MY MANIFESTO

Hallo citizen,

You look good today. Congrats. Anyway, here is my manifesto for a better Britain. Vote for me (please).

NATIONAL HOLIDAYS
Citizen happiness is very important to me. Therefore, starting today, every UK citizen gets a Cornetto. They are delicious and will improve the national mood.

The ‘Cornetto clause’ will be the first of my ‘seasonal gifts’ gifts to the public, and will define the four seasons of every year I am in office. Spring will be announced with a Cadbury’s Creme Egg, Autumn with a new pencil case (you know, for back to school and that) and in Winter everyone gets a sledge. Even old people, who will yet again be able to experience the youthful thrill of sledging.

Now they will probably injure themselves. So I have a solution to this: a tax on thermal underwear. The funds raised by this will go into the ‘NHS Department for Sledging and Snowball Injuries’. This new department will also deal with those tricky injuries that happen when you go to throw a snowball at someone but they duck out of the way so you don’t throw it but then in a bit they pop up again so you do throw it but by this point it’s turned into a lump of ice in your hand and it hurts them and they cry. Yeah, those injuries.

TRIDENT
Another important issue is Trident. And on this point I agree with the Tories and Labour… everyone should have a Trident. This will benefit citizens currently fighting serpents, krakens, Medusas, dragons, cyclopses and creepy witches that live in caves both here and abroad.

EDUCATION
My policy on education is simple – Everyone gets one.

I’ll also add the following topics to the curriculum…
1) How to decide what to wear when it’s too warm for a coat but too cold for a jacket and besides it might rain later.
2) What to say when someone is upset.
3) Household uses for jam.
4) How to teleport (in case you get a boffin kid who cracks it)
5) Wallace and Gromit: ‘The Future of Yorkshire’. Discuss.

HEALTH
If I am elected as Prime Minister, I will keep the NHS because it is brilliant. If you are rich and want private health care that’s fine, but it’s your choice so don’t expect to pay less tax.

BENEFITS
The job centre will offer you a range of jobs. If you refuse to the suggested jobs your benefit money will be placed at the end of a Takeshi’s Castle-style obstacle course where the water is filled with sharks and crocodiles that will eat you if you fall in. This will, I guarantee, get more people into full employment.

FOREIGN AFFAIRS
Our dealings with foreign leaders will become less formal. We’ll replace the ‘shake hands, have your picture taken’ nonsense with a massive Laser Quest course which will be totally awesome. The leaders who love doing Laser Quest (i.e. the best ones) will want to come here often to play Laser Quest with us, and therefore our trade with these nations will increase. They’ll also bring their friends and other foreign leaders along to play Laser Quest with us, and off the back of this we’ll have a summit and get lots done, like deciding how we can dig to the centre of the earth and use the lava (magma?) to power everything, therefore meaning we don’t need to give up electrical things like laptops or fax machines.

THE ENVIRONMENT
I propose a three-pronged system for this…
1) Less packaging on supermarket products
2) Loads more trees
3) Power comes from centre of the earth (see above).

CRIME
It will become an offence to ‘be a knob’. This will sort out a lot of anti-social behaviour and also combat government sleaze. The only exclusion to this rule is ‘if you were doing it because you wanted to impress a girl/boy and he/she was well fit’. In which case the government understands but asks you to stop it because it’s not big or clever.

With these policies I am sure you agree that we will make a better Britain. Vote for change. Vote for awesome. Vote for me (please).

Your future Prime Minister,

Barrington