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ICE CREAM VANS ARE AWESOME
Let me set the scene… It’s a sunny Sunday afternoon and Chellington and I are sat on the couch watching Come Dine With Me. A woman is feeding eggs to her cat. I’m not sure why. (Do cat’s even like...
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OWN CLOTHES
I’ll never be a surgeon with a stethoscope and mask I’ll never be a tap dancer – my shoes aren’t up to task I’ll never be a banker, wearing braces, selling stock (In fact, I’ll never be banker coz I’m...
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MY MANIFESTO
Hallo citizen, You look good today. Congrats. Anyway, here is my manifesto for a better Britain. Vote for me (please). NATIONAL HOLIDAYS Citizen happiness is very important to me. Therefore, starting...
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TWEETING THE TRUTH
This is possibly the single most honest tweet I’ve ever written. Welcome to my life. That should have said ‘badass detective’, but predictive text is a difficult mistress to please. Anyway, Sam...
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JENNIFER ANISTON’S DEAD DOG
I just read that Jennifer Aniston’s 15 year old dog ‘Norman’ has died. Let’s think about how I know this. First, the dog died. A personal moment of sadness. Then a Hollywood PR person, whose entire...
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COMMUTER MINUTE THEORY
I’m not a mathematical man. Isaac Newton would despair if he saw me trying to do a sudoku. However, my brain has given birth to one logic-based theory… Commuter Minute Theory. CMT is a theory about...
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MOVIES: THE WORLD’S DUMBEST BUSINESS MODEL
So let’s get this straight. If you want to legally see a film at any point within the first four months of its release, you have to leave your house, go to what is effectively a ‘movie warehouse’ and...
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